Here is the second beautiful essay by inflammatory breast cancer blogger, Ashley at Ashley: Warrior Mom
and you can’t really tell anyone. Sometimes you can’t really even call another survivor/fighter/warrior/thriver, sometimes you just have to cry and be scared. And by crying I mean the kind of body wracking sobs that hit you when you lose someone you love and you just don’t know which way is up.
No it isn’t pretty and I’m not looking for a bunch of “It will be fine” and “You’ll make it” and all the meant to be comforting comments that people make. The truth of it is that it isn’t fine. The truth of it is that you get scared, you get angry, you fall apart. Then you pick up and get on with it.
You get jealous too. Yes friends, sometimes I get SO jealous of you that I can’t see. Sometimes I want to just scream. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be around you but sometimes I wish I was like you and I didn’t have this. I’ve only ever really gotten upset with one person that I can think of over something that they were complaining about and I didn’t even tell them.
I don’t want to be afraid that I’m not going to get to watch my kids grow up. I want to see my kids get married, I want to meet my grandchildren. I don’t want to walk around worried that this thing inside me is growing. I don’t want to feel like I have to go do everything RIGHT NOW because I might not get the chance later. I don’t want to wonder if my kids will have to hold onto the memories we make right now with everything they have because they are afraid I won’t be around. I don’t want everything colored by this but the truth is that it is. Every once in awhile I manage to not think about it for maybe an hour or two but it comes back and sometimes it is just like a kick in the gut.
Yes I know that any of us could die at any moment, a freak heart attack, a car accident, a fall, any number of things could happen but most people don’t actually think about it every day. A lot of people that I know do think about it every day. Most moms aren’t trying to make sure their spouse can handle it without them.
Even calling another survivor is sometimes tough because even though they know exactly how you feel and they can completely empathize, they want to make you feel better. Sometimes it is because seeing you fall apart reminds them that we are all vulnerable and scared and they may not be in that place. Sometimes you don’t want to call them because you don’t want to bring them to where you are. But we still invite each other to call and we want to be there for each other and I do want my friends to call me when they feel like this but I’m sure they don’t always. Because I don’t always.
I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. Sometimes it is just so overwhelmingly scary and I share the bad with the good.
I try not to worry. I read a great line in a book recently, it went something like, worrying isn’t going to add any time to your life. It isn’t. Being scared isn’t either but I’m human and I’m a mom and I have an aggressive stage iv cancer.
There are a lot of people dealing with this. I know a lot of women who deal with this and still… sometimes it is lonely and tonight I’m scared.