I found out about this blog from friend and fellow “Cancer Warrior” Mel Majoros from a post on Facebook. (I really need to learn how to use this iconic resource more effectively.) It is written from the viewpoint of an elderly renal patient’s son and daughter. As this blogger writes in his introduction, “As he reaches the end of his life, he is denying his current situation and lashing out at the people around him. This is a blog about our experiences with dad and how we are coping with the situation as he approaches the end of his life. We love dad and want what he has said he always wanted: quality time with the family. However we are at a loss for how to do that given his rage and anger towards us. We hope others that have gone through this situation before and people going through it now will find some solace in our stories and comment on how we can better deal with dad.” I thought that this approach is somewhat unique in our world of precious cancer blogs, not that dysfunctional anger rarely happens but rather people rarely have the courage to write about it. Dealing With Dad
A quick background. Our dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer over 10 years ago. First doctor gave him 6 months to live. After 10 years and a dozen major surgeries, dad is still alive. The man is a fighter. But he is coming to the end but wants nothing to do with it. Wednesday before Thanksgiving, his kidney’s failed. His doctor told him to go straight to the emergency room for emergency dialysis, but instead, he boarded a flight to Boston to spend Thanksgiving with his two older children (us), son-in-law, our younger half-brother, and his first wife (our mom) and her husband of 30 years. It was a Thanksgiving to remember and that post is coming soon.
But I wanted to start this off with our new names – “Piece of Shit” and “Asshole”. Piece of Shit is my sister. She is an accomplished professional with a great husband living in Chicago, IL. I am Asshole. I run a small organization and am a single guy living in Washington, DC. We both like to think that despite our short-comings and peccadilloes, that we are good people. At least our family and friends humor us enough to think so.
Dad, on the other had, decided that we are Piece of Shit and Asshole. He only renamed us recently. He used to just tell us to “blow it out your ass” or “go fuck yourself.” I guess we had not completely embodied those actions, so we kept our given names for a while. But now that we fully represent and embody blowing it out your ass and fucking yourself, we have progressed form the verbs to pronouns. I wonder if the tags on my Christmas presents will read “To: Asshole; From: Dad.”
We love our dad, as hard as that is some times. This blog is about dealing with the changes our father has gone through and the emotional challenges he and we face as he becomes less and less himself and closer and closer to death. Why share it? We need an outlet. While our dad has never been a touchy feely guy (our stories are not represented in Tim Russert’s Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons), it has been painful seeing and experiencing him becoming someone else. So often, we just stand dumb struck and ask ourselves, “what do we do?!” We are certain that despite hearing from everyone that, “this is the worst case scenario,” that there are others out there going through the same thing. We hope to hear and learn from your experiences and that you find a little comfort in ours.
Thank you for following. We will be posting stories – the good, bad and ugly – as they arise and sharing with you some of the “classics,” like barging into the kitchen at a restaurant and screaming at the chef for giving him food poisoning (reality was he was sick from the cancer drugs). Or who knows what will happen tonight at his holiday party…
Thank you for following …
from: Dealing With Dad