~ It didn’t take long to find this week’s guest posts. The first two sites I visited both touched me. Different authors, different blogs, similar themes, familiar themes. Survivors struggling to come to terms with the state of their disease. The first is from Kathy, writing in her blog life is sunny, appreciating survivorship but weary of the continuing battle towards wholeness.
I still just get so damn tired. Tired as in sleep deprived, not as in physically fatigued, but mentally fatigued in the irregularly-timed onslaught of emotional whammies, the kind I want to go away.
I’d thought menopausal symptoms had come and gone, but recently they’re baaaack. Nothing like hot flashes in 90-degree-plus heat.
Increasing sleep deprivation during the week and catching up on the weekends, that seems to be the new pattern. I don’t know if it’s night sweats or too much on my mind or probably a combination. It’s after noon on Saturday and I’m still laying around in sleepwear. I’ve been feeling depressed on the weekends, and I don’t know why because it’s a waste of time and energy.
Circumstances, issues, situations, survivorship – I love survivorship in that I’m not dead, but fuck it for stirring up old feelings and issues I thought I’d dealt with and moved beyond long ago. Really – is cancer survivorship not enough to manage without dredging up “challenges” from the past? Maybe the good and the bad of life experience is that it connects times and places into the synergistic sum that is you right now. You get both the benefit and the pain of memory and perspective.
Forging onward, trying. Crying some. It’ll be alright.
Outside and in
Each day the same and better…
Kathy, life is sunny
I have one request from all of my dear friends and family. We are at peace with my decision to no longer fight my cancer. I don’t need to hear about this miracle diet, and that Doctor that can cure cancer in Mexico, or this new chemo trial or drug.. My destiny is not to have my cancer cured. We understand that, and it is okay. I have done all that I could physically endure to fight my cancer, and I have no fight left in me. And that is okay. I fought hard, and I won so many battles. It is a miracle that it has been 2 years, and I am still here. I am eternally grateful for every day of that 2 years. I have been blessed, and I am continually blessed every day. Life is still good.